I'll house you, I'll house you, I'll house you, You in my hut now, Round and round and round and round and round and Hear the house music steady......

So, Hannah and I finally had the long anticipated house warming party! It was over a year late, but we did it! There are many things to discuss around this point, all relevant, all interesting, none witty. Shall we begin?

1) LATE – In the history of procrastination, I probably rank in the top 100. I love it, I practically get off on procrastinating.
“Want to have a cup of tea John”
“Maybe next week”

“Want to take a seat John?”
“Do you want to take a seat?”

“Want to become a super hero John?”
“Not yet, I need time to consider my super powers”

(* please see note below r.e use of my own name)

You get the idea, if it’s a decision, then I like nothing more than to put it off on the basis that if I do, I can’t make the wrong decision! It’s a life philosophy and I will stick to it! So the party has been talked about for some time, well Dave mainly hassling us to do one. We wanted to do one but I think the FEAR was there. Party time is scary time after all. Anyway, the summer came and me and H thought if we don’t just set a date, it will never happen, so we did and it happened! Hurrah.

2) GOOD – It was a good party! I am rather pleased we did it! The house heaved under the pressure but stood up as a rather good club! It didn’t feel like our house that’s for sure, I had to keep reminding myself and its always the sign of a good party if you forget you are in someone’s house, let alone your own!

3) FEAR – I had the fear, I had it good. I could smell the stench of failure, dirt, mess, work, tiredness and disappointment almost as much as if I had been visiting London Town. Party fear is like no other fear as it’s like a public demonstration of your popularity and ability to entertain! If you have a crap party then you may as well throw in the towel and admit you are boring and rubbish and have a fat face. A good party however, and your friends will hold you aloft their heads and toss you up and down like you have just won the egg and spoon race.
Given what I said earlier/above/before regarding procrastination, after the date had been set, more delays were weathered on the inviting people front. The party fear was established as soon as the date was set and inviting people would have just made it reality, so it was kind of two weeks before hand that the invites were really started. Our place is small too and so there was yet more fear about it being over crowded. We then started to invite people and got new fear that not enough would turn up! So imagine the scene, Saturday night, 11.30, Hannah playing Funk in the kitchen (which was now the dance floor), Maff and Kerry looking tired in the lounge, me with a Red Stripe in one hand and a spliff in the other twitching all parts of my body. The house was empty apart from us and it was getting late. If after all this work it backfired and we became social out casts, how would we ever recover? I was in that mode of checking the clock ever minute, I even went outside and checked our bell was working (it was), so nobody liked us then. FINE, FUCK YOU, YOU UNGRATEFUL SCUM SUCKING BUM FACED, CHICKEN WINGED FREAKS. I decided to dance, it was a party after all and a good distraction and thank the lord I did as my impressive dancing clearly triggered the party switch in everyone’s head and everyone arrived as if by magic. It kind of went from nobody to 20+ people in the space of 5 minutes. I knew my moves were good, but not that good! Apparently the Ocean Rooms want to hire me as a warm up dancer to attract the crowds they used to enjoy back to the club. I said no.
Once everyone was in and clearly enjoying themselves, then the fear subsided and I just got mashed and enjoyed myself! Hurrah. It was not until the next day that the new fear set in!

4) DOGS DINNER – Meg was at the party, as those who were there would have seen. She seemed a little phased by it at first (I think she though we were moving when setting up) but as people started arriving she saw it as ample excuse to bark at the door each time (very handy to alert us someone was there) and to try and get everyone to play ball with her. As things stepped up though, she got a bit more agitated. We had set her up with a bed in the bedroom in a corner so she could hide away but she became increasingly anxious about staying there and took to wandering the house instead. No real problem but Hannah was playing records and I think Meg wanted some reassurance. So I escorted her into the bedroom (oooh saucy) and decided to sit with her. It was a surreal experience, the dog in her basket, me sat next to her, the bedroom door shut and the noises of a party in the rest of the house beyond. After a good 10 minutes of just sitting with her, I got bored so had a spliff. I then got bored again so decided it was a good opportunity to provide meg with a dog biscuit and bosh my first ‘disco biscuit’. We munched on them together. Meg was my party pal, and I kind of felt like we were the naughty children at a kids party who had been sent to our room for spilling cola and cheating at parse the parcel! It was most calming though and soon a few people stuck their heads through the door and party equilibrium was re-instated. Hannah was off the decks by now too and I think as soon as Meg saw that she was there she was even calmer and from then on in took the party in her stride. I even saw her having a boogie on the dance floor, she was quite a mover! (Or was that just Phil, it’s hard to tell in the dim lights!).

5) GET DOWN ON IT – As far as I can tell about 90% of the party I spent dancing! At first I considered it my honourable duty to keep on moving to encourage others and support the DJ’s. Soon it was automatic and it didn’t really occur to me to do anything else. I ventured off for a few chats at certain points, but generally I just danced and much fun was had by me.

6) DJ DEBUT – I have resisted playing records out for an impressive amount of time on account of me being rubbish. However, recent years have shown a move to a more eclectic taste in music and not buying stuff that requires technical jiggery pokery to do. Hurrah. So this party it seemed fit that I should get my career off to a start. The initial call came quite early in the night when Maff needed a rest, however, I was scared. Scared my reggae ways would quash the vibe and so I scurried away. Hats off to Maff who did quite a Stirling job propping up the decks for most of the night and hats of to Tom who offered to relieve him with a jungle set, which alas, nobody seemed to have the energy to dance too. Maff went back on again and so I danced again! However, as the morning breached our curtains, I could see in Maffs eyes that he needed to escape his call of duty and the time had come…I couldn’t avoid it any more and, due to being completely off my head, I wasn’t scared! The fact I had no idea how his mixer worked and hadn’t ever used technics just seemed funny and before I knew it I was about 5 tunes into it and was thoroughly enjoying myself. Nobody was dancing, but that was the plan! I figured if I took care of the graveyard shift, I could play what I wanted and play with people’s minds as they sat and smoked themselves into sleep. It was great, I don’t think I was, but the tunes were all good and varied so what does the rest of it matter? I think I will do it again and make my selling point the complete lack of skill I do it with! It was a great experience though and I am pleased I finally did it!

7) FEAR MKii – The party was over. It was a good party. We partied hard. The house looked quite worn and depressing as post party houses always do. The fear was now i) Will I survive the week ii) Will the house survive the aftermath iii) How long will it take to clear up. Well, the pain is immense, but luckily the house of pain (get it?) is not so immense and thanks to a good bit of tidying by Kerry first thing Sunday and then a slow but sure slog of tidying from Hannah and me, its getting back to normal. There is no doubt house parties are fun, by my giddy aunt they are a lot of work! The question now is…WHOSE TURN IS IT NEXT????


* I hate people who speak about themselves in the third person. It’s weird and deranged and slightly scitzo! I apologise for doing it in this instance, however, for the purpose of my story I felt it important to highlight the fact my examples of procrastination were all about me and not general examples to be applied to some other good for nothing. In normal every day life, I wouldn’t dream of using my name in this way, I am not one of those that says things such as “Pull yourself together John” or “Come on John, what have you done with that”. It’s odd plain and simple and please just accept that I have done it this once for the purpose of clarification and it has no bearing on my mental well being. Thanks.