Piss Pants

I am not obsessed with toilets or soiling myself or anything, but I have got a few more points to rise before I put this subject to bed (please note – I do not go to the toilet in bed).

POINT 1 – 80’s toilets. Well, I think they are 80’s toilets. They are always a horrible looking pastel colour and they have a huge water level in the bowl. WHY? What purpose does the high water level serve, can anyone riddle me that? As far as I can see it just means if its night and you want to conduct a quiet stealth piss, you can’t due to the immense water on water action. I was at my brother’s house last night and both their toilets have the high water. I was concerned.
An interesting story to show how stupid they are, I was at a rather large and rather good house party, again at my brothers house. A friend who was there came out of the toilet in the very early hours (so to be fair, her mental state would have been lower than the recommended minimum level for operating successfully in every day life. She found my brother and worriedly told him that their toilet was flooding! Dave rushed through, I say rushed, probably staggered not really knowing or caring what she was on about. On reaching the toilet he told her it looked like normal. Low and behold it transpired she thought the high toilet level in the bowl was a problem, not its normal state. The moral of the tale is a) the friend is a bit daft as how come she had never seen a high water level bog before b) those toilets are clearly stupid and pointless as an independent adjudicator thought it was flooding!

POINT 2 – Massive Pisses! Sometimes the volume of urine I pass from my body is worrying. This is probably just one of the weird and unwonderful things in the world of John, but sometimes, just sometimes, I REALLY can’t be arsed to go and have a slash*. So I sit and wait until the pressure builds to unbearable levels. Sometimes you can then go beyond the pain barrier and buy extra minutes in a strange lull between really needing to go and really really having to go. Sometimes, of course, it’s not just laziness but the lack of access to a toilet. Anyway, when you finally go the piss can last for ages and when using a toilet with a high water level (see the point above), it looks like the toilet is going to over flow! That’s exciting, I like that. That’s the best thing about a high water level! Anyway, it always makes me wonder what the capacity of a bladder is and how big they must look when full to bursting!
Mice piss constantly don’t they, that’s a good system. Cows piss whilst eating, again, a good system. No time wasting or shame there, they just get on with it. We could learn a lot from cows and mice, but not at the same time.

POINT 3 – Colour of your liquid extractions. I once attended a training day at a fire station when I was a fire warden in an office I was working in. It was one of the best days of my life…serious, I got to put out fires and everything. Classic day. Anyway, I went to the toilet at one point and there in front of me as I was going was a chart of urine colour. You can tell how dehydrated you are from the colour and the lighter and more straw coloured it is, the better! That means you are well hydrated! You can even see the chart online here! Lovely stuff. Ever since seeing it I have been a very keen inspector of my colour, especially if I am at a club or have been drinking or whatever, it’s most handy! It was in the fire station as being poorly hydrated affects concentration too – so all you school kids, remember to monitor your piss stains to ensure your drinking adequate water!


I am sure I had more points on toilet antics, but I am now spent! No more, I promise.


* Slash – I would say that’s in the top three of most horrible terms that refer to passing water.