I'm on FiRe!

Shit on me, I have remembered another one!

My other bog topic was about water waste.

I saw a programme the other day, apparantly the biggest water waster in the house is a toilet. The average person goes 6 times a day and a toilet uses 9 litres per flush. Thats 54 litres per person per day. A bath is 80 litres or so, so flushing regularly is not far off a bath of water by the end of the day!

So yeah, don't flush the toilet every time you use it and get a hippo thing for the tank.

THATS IT...NO MORE TALK ABOUT TOILETS EVER AGAIN.

I sound like an obsessive, although I never talk about toilets much (who does?) so I guess I have been holding all these vital questions in my head for years, yearning to share them with the massess!

I REMEMBER SOMETHING!!!

This is an event in itself...I remembered something that earlier I realised I had forgotten and assumed it would be lost in my mind forever! My memory is shot and I usually resign myself to the fact if I don't recall something I once should have done, I never will, so why bother!

You may recall in my toilet post earlier today I said I was sure there was something I hadn't mentioned but couldn't remember it. I also said I had finished about bogs, but, given that remembering something I forgot is such a rare treat for me - I am going to share it with you anyway!

It goes like this:

In the house of Brother, he has two toilets, but you know that already. I have only one toilet - therefore, when I need to go, I know where to go.

In his house though, if I need to go, I DONT know where to go as there are two, right besides each other. Now one is the full on bathroom, spacious, has reading material and interesting things to look at. The other is small, compact and houses only the toilet and basin. That means each time you want to go a decision has to be made as to which toilet.

Last night I would say I had FOUR PISSES. That was four decisions to make. But this is the interesting part...I am so fair and equitable I didn't make the decision but subconciously divided up my deposits between the two stations. I went to the bathroom first, then to the small toilet then on the third visit I was back in the bathroom and realised what I had done! I felt good about myself as I had evenly distributed my company between the two.

My fourth visit was pre-meditated as I was aware of the system I had previosuly adopted and being loathed to break from routine, I went to the small toilet to complete a 2-2 formation.

I wonder if people who regularly have a choice of toilet have difficulty in deciding. I imagine so, after all, its a big decision.

Piss Pants

I am not obsessed with toilets or soiling myself or anything, but I have got a few more points to rise before I put this subject to bed (please note – I do not go to the toilet in bed).

POINT 1 – 80’s toilets. Well, I think they are 80’s toilets. They are always a horrible looking pastel colour and they have a huge water level in the bowl. WHY? What purpose does the high water level serve, can anyone riddle me that? As far as I can see it just means if its night and you want to conduct a quiet stealth piss, you can’t due to the immense water on water action. I was at my brother’s house last night and both their toilets have the high water. I was concerned.
An interesting story to show how stupid they are, I was at a rather large and rather good house party, again at my brothers house. A friend who was there came out of the toilet in the very early hours (so to be fair, her mental state would have been lower than the recommended minimum level for operating successfully in every day life. She found my brother and worriedly told him that their toilet was flooding! Dave rushed through, I say rushed, probably staggered not really knowing or caring what she was on about. On reaching the toilet he told her it looked like normal. Low and behold it transpired she thought the high toilet level in the bowl was a problem, not its normal state. The moral of the tale is a) the friend is a bit daft as how come she had never seen a high water level bog before b) those toilets are clearly stupid and pointless as an independent adjudicator thought it was flooding!

POINT 2 – Massive Pisses! Sometimes the volume of urine I pass from my body is worrying. This is probably just one of the weird and unwonderful things in the world of John, but sometimes, just sometimes, I REALLY can’t be arsed to go and have a slash*. So I sit and wait until the pressure builds to unbearable levels. Sometimes you can then go beyond the pain barrier and buy extra minutes in a strange lull between really needing to go and really really having to go. Sometimes, of course, it’s not just laziness but the lack of access to a toilet. Anyway, when you finally go the piss can last for ages and when using a toilet with a high water level (see the point above), it looks like the toilet is going to over flow! That’s exciting, I like that. That’s the best thing about a high water level! Anyway, it always makes me wonder what the capacity of a bladder is and how big they must look when full to bursting!
Mice piss constantly don’t they, that’s a good system. Cows piss whilst eating, again, a good system. No time wasting or shame there, they just get on with it. We could learn a lot from cows and mice, but not at the same time.

POINT 3 – Colour of your liquid extractions. I once attended a training day at a fire station when I was a fire warden in an office I was working in. It was one of the best days of my life…serious, I got to put out fires and everything. Classic day. Anyway, I went to the toilet at one point and there in front of me as I was going was a chart of urine colour. You can tell how dehydrated you are from the colour and the lighter and more straw coloured it is, the better! That means you are well hydrated! You can even see the chart online here! Lovely stuff. Ever since seeing it I have been a very keen inspector of my colour, especially if I am at a club or have been drinking or whatever, it’s most handy! It was in the fire station as being poorly hydrated affects concentration too – so all you school kids, remember to monitor your piss stains to ensure your drinking adequate water!


I am sure I had more points on toilet antics, but I am now spent! No more, I promise.


* Slash – I would say that’s in the top three of most horrible terms that refer to passing water.

Stools

I pass a movement about once a day. It used to be less, but a better diet and lifestyle have meant I am now fluid and regular.

However, when entering a public convenience I have noticed a large proportion of high strain noises emanating from the cubicles.

When I make a deposit, there is no straining. I just relax and go and the effort some people seem to have to make must be cause for concern. Some people read, I understand, to get things moving. So what of these high maintenance shitters?

What’s the cause? Not enough fibre in the diet perhaps. Whatever the reason, it’s disturbing me.

Apparently on that programme Jamie Oliver did about school dinners, some kids who ate no ‘real’ food hadn’t had a crap in over a month! Now that’s got to hurt!

S.P.A.G spaz?

I might be a S.P.A.G spaz.

As you know, I am at Uni and on and off for many years dyslexia has been brought to my attention. When I was a child it was cited a few times I may be a bit dyslexic and since being back at school (aka Uni) the same issues have arisen.

I am rubbish at spelling and grammar and my reading is a bit slow and clumsy.

About a billion percent of the people on art courses seem to have a dyslexia test and get lots of additional support and sometimes equipment to help them with things, as, apparently, they are classed as disabled for academic purposes.

So, after some advice from tutors I had a dyslexia screening and they said I might be dyslexic so referred me to an educational psychologist. He came round last night and tested me for a few hours on all manner of things. Spelling, reading, working memory, response times, visual awareness all that malarkey. It was surprisingly fun and interesting! I even had tests with puzzle arranging and spot the difference type pictures!

He told me he thinks I am mildly dyslexic, mainly because my common sense, awareness, general knowledge and intelligence etc were all good, but my writing and reading were the bottom range of average and my working memory was not what it should be.

He is writing a report that I should get in a week which will confirm if I am a SPAG spaz or not! I will keep you updated with the progress of my mental powers and what they offer me as assistance (if anything).

I apologise for anyone who reads this who is an actual spaz, I mean no offence by my choice of words it’s purely for comic effect. I have also realised I just used the word again when apologising! What a giddy goat I am.

No No, No No No No, No No No No, No No, theres no limit (to what people do in public)

Post lunch greetings.

I take it yours was good, mine was spent wandering round Brighton trying to pass an hour running some errands. The errands where completed successfully you will be pleased to hear.

During a high point of my lunch hour, I entered Woolworths on Western Road. Just browsing, no purchase was made.

As I entered I was delighted to hear the melodic sound of 2 Unlimited's song 'No Limit'*. I hadn't heard it years and allowed myself a brief chuckle.

What amused me the most, however, was a late 30's man in shorts and sandals standing looking at the Woolworths** CD collection, he didn't make any moves to pick up and CD's but he was bopping, actually bopping to 2 Unlimited's dance masterpiece. His legs were going, there was finger movement and even shaking of the head.

He knew what he was doing, he knew. I could see it in his eyes. But did he know I knew what he was doing? I doubt it, he thought he was the only one there.

Rest assured I sat out the duration of his dance performance from the safeheaven of the toaster isle.

Who needs big brother when you can watch people dancing to 2 Unlimited in a real shop in real life!

What better way to spend a lunch time.


* Apparantly No Limits held the record for the most repetative song until that one by Carl Cox's brother, remember it? The lyrics went: down down down de-down, down down (repeat for 5 minutes).
** Here is another fact, fact fans - woolworths sells the most chart CD's of anyone and if you want your song in the charts, if the big W aint selling it...you have no chance. Who would have thought it? Who buys music there? (commoners and chavs probably!!!)

my BIG ring

Hello.

This morning I am troubled as I do not have my big ring.

Normally I wear it on my little finger (right hand). It sits there all day minding its own business. I like to twiddle my ring sometimes (insert childish snigger here).

Today I forgot to put it on in the morning and I am disproportionately aware that it is not snuggly hugging my finger, keeping it warm and secure.

Its funny as things like rings, chains, wrist bands or whatever are just plonked on each morning without much thought and become part of everyday dress. Don't really think about them much. Then, when on the rare time I forget to put one on, I feel undressed without it. Its CRAZY talk I tell thee. Didn't realise how much I fiddled with my ring until today.

I suppose a lot of woman (and some blokes too) probably have an array of jewelry and so vary what they wear each day. But I have noticed the man-trend of having one or two items that are always worn. I have a small set of beads that I always wear, probably only removed them a couple of times in the last few years, no lie. They bathe with me, sleep with me and live with me. Perhaps my head would fall off or similar if they were removed, I just don't know and I am no longer prepared to take the chance.

N.B's:
i - I am not Mr T or anything, I don't have loads of jewelry as this entry might suggest. I have three items, no more, no less. That's probably why I feel undressed when one item is not attached to my person.
ii - I am not a girl.

World Record

I wonder what it is for the most blog posts in a day?

I doubt I am a record breaker (still waiting for fucking N. McWerter to get back to me - he never returns my calls any more), but I have posted quite a few for my first day under my new method!

Perhaps I will become UberBlogger.

If anyone has a guiness book of records, I would genuinly like to know what Blog records exist!

Startling confusion.

I am home alone at the moment as Hannah is back in Gloucester readying herself for her brothers wedding. I am not going there until Friday and so have been in the flat on me todd for 4 or 5 days.

At first it was a novelty, but now its a bit sad and solitary. The strangest thing is if your used to sharing a space, when the person you share it with isn't there, it constantly feels like something is missing. Like if you removed your sofa, the palce just wouldn't look and feel right!

Anyway, last night I laid my head in my manger to get some sleep. I was unsuccessfull. A bi-product of being home alone is that I can't get to sleep for ages! Not because I am scared or anything of the noises I hear, honest, dunno why it is, probably its just not as comfortable!

So there I was, I had been REALLY consentrating on sleeping and was doing ok. I had stopped clock watching and was in that almost asleep, kind of dreaming but not phase and was probably nano-seconds away from sleep when STARTLING CONFUSION.

I heard a car parking outside and for about half a minute I had no idea where I was! At first I thought I was in my Nan's house (god knows why) and then I thought I was in a strange house and then in my previous house. I was in none of these, I was in my house.

I think I got confused because the said parker was parking so efficiently. The humming revs of the engine enveloped the room with noise for a short time and then the engine was cut. That means it was a one park manouver. No messing, just accelerate, reverse and in. There wasn't even the sound of rubber grinding against the curb or the sound of cracking plastic as fake clip on alloy wheel hubs ground against concrete.

Normally parkers on the 'Rise are rubbish, perhaps thats why I thought I was in the classier surrounds of my Nans, or perhaps it was just because I was home alone. Rest assured, I was very confused.

Irnonically, moments after the parking fiasco happened, I passed out. Perhaps the sound of parking cars is like a lullaby for me?

To end, I would like to say that this morning I inspected the cars parked outside our flat to see who the culprit was. And there it was, like a shining beacon amongst a world of chaos - one car that stood out above the rest, parked by some kind of robotic driving machine. A textbook inch between the wheels and the curb, uniform space between the cars infront and behind it and completely parrallel to the curb. He/She parker was no doubt gifted, I just wish I had been awake enough to get up and congratulate them.

Im a looser baby...so why don't you kill me?

I failed.

The title is bold, but then they are all bold.

It had no colour, no colour.

So please kill me for I am a looser. But don't call me baby, I don't like that, not one iota.

If you want to see the most famous photograph ever of someone being shot, behold Robert Cappa's image! He took it as a photo journalist during the Spanish civil war and it catapulted him to fame despite controversy over whether it is Jen-Yew-Eine (not sure what that was about!). Cappa went on to be a founder member of the incredible Magnum Photography, perhaps the most prestigious of the photo agencies.

They have a great website which has almost all the images their photographers have done, check it: http://www.magnumphotos.com/

Mr Being Bold

I can use computers quite well.

I have even published bits of websites and stuff.

But can I work this frigger of a blog posting emporium? No sir I can't.

Took me half an hour to work out how to put a title on the posts! My previous efforts (the original two old skool posts) had the date as the title...thats no good. How will my humble no-readers judge whether my post is worth a read or not without a catchy header to grab their annention spans?

As for being bold...I am going to attempt to bold the aforementioned said title for uber jazz effect - hell I might even see if it will go a different colour.

Hold onto your pants, lets check out the jazz...

A new approach...

These blogs are too crazy.

You sit about pondering what to write, start a little thing, stop it, think about it again and then think "OH FUCK IT" as its too much like hard word (see what I did there? Replaced a K for a D...genius).

Basically I am lazy and so have decided short punchy blog posting that provide an insight into the mystical marvelous mind of me are far more productive and likely to happen.

So no more long rambling rants, no more attempts at perfect poetic prose...just plain and simple paragraphs about things I think, will think or have thought.

Prepare to be facinated and enthralled.

Over.