Downtime...

Just heard some IT guys from the office talking about a problem with the printers.

They were concerned as they could fix the problem, but only with about 15 minutes of 'downtime' and were debating if this was acceptable.

What sort of a world is it when people think its that big a deal that printers wont work for 15 minutes? What sort of crazy self importance are businesses and things creating?

How hard can it be to not print something for such a short period of time? I bet it costs more to try and avoid a short bit of downtime than it would if they just sorted it with longer downtime?

Its stupid. It doesn't matter. Its only work, nobody is going to die?

Music for any mood.

I know music is open to much debate, for example everyone has their favourate style or group or whatever and everyone argues with each other about these topics.

BUT.

There is one music fact which is just true and cannot be disputed by anyone at anytime and in anyplace. It is thus:

Reggae is the only music which is appropriate for ANY siatuation.

FACT.

Don't even bother trying to argue as you will be wrong. Its always great, whatever the mood.

I think it was Georgie who said she didn't trust people who didn't like Reggae and she is correct. They are untrustworthy people and perhaps should be isolated in an unhappy and boring world of their own.

Music fascist...me? NEVER

4 posts in as many minutes...hark at me!

As title.

A foot long subway is just enough to give your boy a treat

The title suggests some perverted post, but it isn't.

I was strolling down North Street just days ago and happened to walk past Subway as a boy was dragging his mothers arm back as they passed the super sandwhich emporium.

He was pleading for her to take him in saying things like:

"Its great in there, you would love it"

"Can we go, its meant to be really nice"

"I love Subway, I think they are the best"

"It smells so good"

Interesting I thought, how children have managed to move from begging to be taken to Shatdonalds or buggermyneighbourking to Subway.

Why? How? Where? Whats the sign on the lolly pop?

Branding. Thats what it comes down too.

They have branded Subway to be cool and hip, tasty, healthy and a worthy meal all in one. Plus they have opened them literally everywhere (at least 4 in Brighton alone). And its worked, the adverts etc have won the kids over! They want to eat a sandwhich.Its crazy and proves how effective branding is as well as kids advertising. there are 1.3 billion sandwhich shops in Brighton, most independent and lots making really good sanga's at a cheaper price than Subway and if not, they are a bit more for something that is actually nice. Plus their bread smells like bread and not like that smell that lingers within a mile radius of all Subway shops that is literally unlike any other smell in the world and makes you gag.

In fact, if you will humour me with a quick detor from the point, the Oxfam shop next to Subway has a constant stench of the place. its grim and I think an infringment of human rights to ask people to work in such conditions.

Anway, why do children not get excited by REAL sandwhich shops? they don't have branding thats why. I bet if I opened a shop called Rubway, which looked the same as subway in every detail they would not go in there and think it chavy of anyone who did.

Its crazyness.

I might do a massive branding rant at some point for that would fill me with joy! I hate it and so moaning about it gets me all excited. Subway doesn't get me excited, but Subways do.

Interesting huh? Discuss.

A photograph tells at least 5 words...

...its true.

I study Photography and so I know.

Many posts have referred to the need of photographic evidence. Par example, I could have added a picture of my big beard should I have wanted to (I did want to).

Yesterday I set up a Flickr account, inspired by Isso's handy sharing of photos of friends events.

I haven't uploaded pictures yet and I will probably just think about it for months without doing it.

Thats the John House way.

I will try though. Pictures are good.

Flickr is a stupid name. Should be called Share your pictures with your mates and other random strangers should you desire too. That would be a much clearer name.

My BIG beard

My beard is currently quite sizable.

I haven't cut it for some time, since Simon and Sams wedding, which was a while back.

It makes me laugh and is fun to stroke, much like a rodent.

I will cut it, but its an ordeal at this length so I have not thought about it, therefore negating me from the responsibility to cut it (see procrastination announcement in the party blog entry).

I then thought, perhaps it should remain until Bestival to add to my comedy outfit for the fancy dress day.Then I thought about Hannah and its unfair on her to inflict her with a long tufty unkempt beard, much like that of a scholar.I think a lot...but much of it is pointless.

I'll house you, I'll house you, I'll house you, You in my hut now, Round and round and round and round and round and Hear the house music steady......

So, Hannah and I finally had the long anticipated house warming party! It was over a year late, but we did it! There are many things to discuss around this point, all relevant, all interesting, none witty. Shall we begin?

1) LATE – In the history of procrastination, I probably rank in the top 100. I love it, I practically get off on procrastinating.
“Want to have a cup of tea John”
“Maybe next week”

“Want to take a seat John?”
“Do you want to take a seat?”

“Want to become a super hero John?”
“Not yet, I need time to consider my super powers”

(* please see note below r.e use of my own name)

You get the idea, if it’s a decision, then I like nothing more than to put it off on the basis that if I do, I can’t make the wrong decision! It’s a life philosophy and I will stick to it! So the party has been talked about for some time, well Dave mainly hassling us to do one. We wanted to do one but I think the FEAR was there. Party time is scary time after all. Anyway, the summer came and me and H thought if we don’t just set a date, it will never happen, so we did and it happened! Hurrah.

2) GOOD – It was a good party! I am rather pleased we did it! The house heaved under the pressure but stood up as a rather good club! It didn’t feel like our house that’s for sure, I had to keep reminding myself and its always the sign of a good party if you forget you are in someone’s house, let alone your own!

3) FEAR – I had the fear, I had it good. I could smell the stench of failure, dirt, mess, work, tiredness and disappointment almost as much as if I had been visiting London Town. Party fear is like no other fear as it’s like a public demonstration of your popularity and ability to entertain! If you have a crap party then you may as well throw in the towel and admit you are boring and rubbish and have a fat face. A good party however, and your friends will hold you aloft their heads and toss you up and down like you have just won the egg and spoon race.
Given what I said earlier/above/before regarding procrastination, after the date had been set, more delays were weathered on the inviting people front. The party fear was established as soon as the date was set and inviting people would have just made it reality, so it was kind of two weeks before hand that the invites were really started. Our place is small too and so there was yet more fear about it being over crowded. We then started to invite people and got new fear that not enough would turn up! So imagine the scene, Saturday night, 11.30, Hannah playing Funk in the kitchen (which was now the dance floor), Maff and Kerry looking tired in the lounge, me with a Red Stripe in one hand and a spliff in the other twitching all parts of my body. The house was empty apart from us and it was getting late. If after all this work it backfired and we became social out casts, how would we ever recover? I was in that mode of checking the clock ever minute, I even went outside and checked our bell was working (it was), so nobody liked us then. FINE, FUCK YOU, YOU UNGRATEFUL SCUM SUCKING BUM FACED, CHICKEN WINGED FREAKS. I decided to dance, it was a party after all and a good distraction and thank the lord I did as my impressive dancing clearly triggered the party switch in everyone’s head and everyone arrived as if by magic. It kind of went from nobody to 20+ people in the space of 5 minutes. I knew my moves were good, but not that good! Apparently the Ocean Rooms want to hire me as a warm up dancer to attract the crowds they used to enjoy back to the club. I said no.
Once everyone was in and clearly enjoying themselves, then the fear subsided and I just got mashed and enjoyed myself! Hurrah. It was not until the next day that the new fear set in!

4) DOGS DINNER – Meg was at the party, as those who were there would have seen. She seemed a little phased by it at first (I think she though we were moving when setting up) but as people started arriving she saw it as ample excuse to bark at the door each time (very handy to alert us someone was there) and to try and get everyone to play ball with her. As things stepped up though, she got a bit more agitated. We had set her up with a bed in the bedroom in a corner so she could hide away but she became increasingly anxious about staying there and took to wandering the house instead. No real problem but Hannah was playing records and I think Meg wanted some reassurance. So I escorted her into the bedroom (oooh saucy) and decided to sit with her. It was a surreal experience, the dog in her basket, me sat next to her, the bedroom door shut and the noises of a party in the rest of the house beyond. After a good 10 minutes of just sitting with her, I got bored so had a spliff. I then got bored again so decided it was a good opportunity to provide meg with a dog biscuit and bosh my first ‘disco biscuit’. We munched on them together. Meg was my party pal, and I kind of felt like we were the naughty children at a kids party who had been sent to our room for spilling cola and cheating at parse the parcel! It was most calming though and soon a few people stuck their heads through the door and party equilibrium was re-instated. Hannah was off the decks by now too and I think as soon as Meg saw that she was there she was even calmer and from then on in took the party in her stride. I even saw her having a boogie on the dance floor, she was quite a mover! (Or was that just Phil, it’s hard to tell in the dim lights!).

5) GET DOWN ON IT – As far as I can tell about 90% of the party I spent dancing! At first I considered it my honourable duty to keep on moving to encourage others and support the DJ’s. Soon it was automatic and it didn’t really occur to me to do anything else. I ventured off for a few chats at certain points, but generally I just danced and much fun was had by me.

6) DJ DEBUT – I have resisted playing records out for an impressive amount of time on account of me being rubbish. However, recent years have shown a move to a more eclectic taste in music and not buying stuff that requires technical jiggery pokery to do. Hurrah. So this party it seemed fit that I should get my career off to a start. The initial call came quite early in the night when Maff needed a rest, however, I was scared. Scared my reggae ways would quash the vibe and so I scurried away. Hats off to Maff who did quite a Stirling job propping up the decks for most of the night and hats of to Tom who offered to relieve him with a jungle set, which alas, nobody seemed to have the energy to dance too. Maff went back on again and so I danced again! However, as the morning breached our curtains, I could see in Maffs eyes that he needed to escape his call of duty and the time had come…I couldn’t avoid it any more and, due to being completely off my head, I wasn’t scared! The fact I had no idea how his mixer worked and hadn’t ever used technics just seemed funny and before I knew it I was about 5 tunes into it and was thoroughly enjoying myself. Nobody was dancing, but that was the plan! I figured if I took care of the graveyard shift, I could play what I wanted and play with people’s minds as they sat and smoked themselves into sleep. It was great, I don’t think I was, but the tunes were all good and varied so what does the rest of it matter? I think I will do it again and make my selling point the complete lack of skill I do it with! It was a great experience though and I am pleased I finally did it!

7) FEAR MKii – The party was over. It was a good party. We partied hard. The house looked quite worn and depressing as post party houses always do. The fear was now i) Will I survive the week ii) Will the house survive the aftermath iii) How long will it take to clear up. Well, the pain is immense, but luckily the house of pain (get it?) is not so immense and thanks to a good bit of tidying by Kerry first thing Sunday and then a slow but sure slog of tidying from Hannah and me, its getting back to normal. There is no doubt house parties are fun, by my giddy aunt they are a lot of work! The question now is…WHOSE TURN IS IT NEXT????


* I hate people who speak about themselves in the third person. It’s weird and deranged and slightly scitzo! I apologise for doing it in this instance, however, for the purpose of my story I felt it important to highlight the fact my examples of procrastination were all about me and not general examples to be applied to some other good for nothing. In normal every day life, I wouldn’t dream of using my name in this way, I am not one of those that says things such as “Pull yourself together John” or “Come on John, what have you done with that”. It’s odd plain and simple and please just accept that I have done it this once for the purpose of clarification and it has no bearing on my mental well being. Thanks.

Pipes

What makes men decide that pipe smoking is a good plan?

Its a bit odd isn't it?

Smoking a pipe in your own home, OK. Smoking a pipe in a pub, old school but still OK.

Smoking a pipe whilst walking down the street seems like pure crazy talk to me.

I wonder what makes someone decide smoking is for them and then set about choosing a pipe as their chosen method.

Its like cigars, cigar smokers are odd too. If your drunk and do it as a laugh OK, but to regularly smoke them is pure crazy talk!

Sorry for ruining your life.

I just wanted to say sorry.

I know many people live their lives by my blog and when its not regularly updated with essential life information, it leaves you at a loss and you sit at your computer constantly refreshing it as you can't conceive doing anything else with your life.

Its been a busy week or two, hence I have been off the postings.

Perhaps we should try and rectify it?

If I post I will rant and if I rant I will annoy myself...

...hence my lack of posting in recent days.

Work is doing my skull in.

Going out a bit to much at the weekends and messing my face up hasn't helped to calm my work tension.

This is a frustrating place to be when a bit tired and monged as everything is an annoyance!

So, I figured it was either rant like Ranty McRanter of Rantshire, or just not post as much till the mist passes and I can make considerate posts again.

Yummy.

(I really do wish the band baby bird had died and not the real life baby bird (see previous post) as the band was naff and the bird looked friendly. I am troubled by this).

Dead baby bird

No, not the shit band from the 90's with their terribly annoying song about some idiot being georgeous, but a realy life dead baby bird.

Saw it earlier by the pavement outside the office. I was trying to work out how it died, like a ornithological Silent Witness or something!

The evidence was thus:

Small bird nestled against curb
Looked fresh
Had a head wound but no other visible damage
Head wound looked like it was caused by penetration
It was almost directly under the office building, which is quite high

So I thought of three possible death scenarios:

1) Bird in nest atop of office. Enemy bird pecked its head in and then either took the bird (to eat or something) and dropped it, or bird fell out its nest after the head pecking. It is also possible a rival male killed it as it wasn't his off spring, or the mother did as she had too many chicks to feed. Or, my favourate but remotest possibility, that it sustained the head peck in a mid-air bird to bird dog fight. I like to thing birds have pecking fights mid air, but I doubt it.
2) Bird was on ground and hit by a car, which scouted it to the side of the road at the same time.
3) Bird flew into office window and fell to ground.

I think 1 is the best case scenario. I am no expect but 2 seems unlikely as the precise nature of the head wound doesn't hold with a car collision. I would expect more mess if a car ran it over. 3 is possible, but again when I have seen this before, the bird doesn't usually have a laseration, its just been brained by flying into a window and hitting the floor.

So 1 it is, I think it was subject to an in nest head pecking, but I am still working to proove this.

Over my dead body!

I'm gonna get serious on your ass!

Just read this on the BBC site:

http://news.bbc.co.uk/1/hi/health/5271032.stm

Its a interesting article as touches on something I have never managed to form a solid opinion on - what lengths should we go too in order to preserve human life. On a practical level, there are too many of us and certainly too many in Britain to sustain at the level we want to be, given the level of taxes and the amount of beurocratic waste that there is. How do you come to a conclusion over how much should be spent to prolong a life for one year? Can they still contribute to society to justify it or should it be done no matter what on the grounds that every life is as important as the next? Should children be given higher priority than the elderly?

Its impossible for anyone to reach a consensus on it I reckon. I would like to say that I think we are too concerned with prolonging life at any costs and given the over population of the world, we are not helping matters along. But at the same time I know if it was someone I cared about, I would be outraged and devestated if I found out they were going to be left for dead over money.

Perhaps its time we wised up to the fact that at the moment, the NHS is not sustainable. Firstly get rid of a few layers of managers, consultants and all the other invented positions that I am sure are not really able to justify their wages. Next, perhaps we need a two tier system, still have a free NHS but also make everyone take out an NHS health insurance that pays out for the cost of treatment if its going to cost over a certain level. I dunno if thats fair either, but it seems the current system aint working...on many levels.

Knee high to a bumper car.

Hannahs mate Sam is staying with us for a few days, with her mate Lisa and Sam's 8 year old daughter Jas(min).

Its been fun, they are all very nice and entertaining people. Jas is a child genius, in the sense she is a proper child, none of your trying to be old crap.

The only down side of having them staying is having to talk to a small child first thing in the morning. I am an idiot in the mornings and maintaining the patience was a little trying, but ultimately Jas is a cool kid and very funny so you can't be annoyed.

Anyway, yesterday, I met them after work at the beach and Jas wanted to go to the Pier more than anything to go on the Ghost Train.

I hate the pier, but I agreed to go obviously otherwise I would have been a git. When I got on the pier I actually had fun! I felt ashamed.

We raced on the dolphin derby and I won! HURRAH FOR ME.

We then went to the Ghost train, but I was too scared...I mean Jas was too scared to go on it. Then we spied the bumper cars. Jas was too small to go on it alone so her and Hannah teamed up against me. We paid our fascist £2 each and entered our machines.

Nerves were high, engines and hearts racing, the smell of burnt rubber and flesh in the air...the strange man who operated it announced the start and we were off! The bumping was so intense crowds flocked to see what was happening. I was clearly winning due to my advanced driving skills. BUT THEN...DISASTER...a full blown hit to my side, no mercy. I span out of control and careered into the cars parked at the edge. A sharp pain jarred through my leg but adrenaline kept me going and my foot hit the accelerator hard to get a few last bumps and grinds in before the end. Soon, it was over. In a last ditch effort of glory I aimed my car at the back of Jas and Hannah's beast and allowed the car to ram them from the rear as the power drained from the ride. It was a good hit. I felt good.

I unstrapped myself and got out and then saw the blood gushing out of my knee (I didn't). I felt the pain though and realised my girlfriend and an 8 year old girl who was too scared to go on a ghost train had driven so viciously they had injured me! Outrageous.

Of course, I don't blame them, I blame myself for showing too much mercy.

My knee really does hurt though, my dreams of a career as a professional bumper car racer are over.

When we got home we found the latch on the door had fallen down some how and we were locked out, so I had to go tonext doorr, ask to go into their garden, climb their wall into our garden and break in. In the process I managed to knock my knee twice again! What a buffoon.

The lesson of the tale though is stick with your instincts and never go on the pier as its rubbish (even though I did enjoy it that time).

Why I oughta...

Yet another lunch time treat...

Todays lunch break was spent walking without any real purpose again.

I had the idea of maybe looking at some records or shirts or shoes to buy, but after my aquesition of Jurassic 5 tickets, nothing can be as exciting as that. So I just walked.

Soon I found myself going through the Pavilion gardens and past a musical chap busking in the normal spot. He had a Trumpet I think.

I bobbed my head to the familiar tune he was playing, but couldn't place my finger on what is was. Before long I found I was singing along to it. Do you know what I was singing and therefore what tune the busker was playing? This is what I sang:

Gummy bears
Bouncing here and there and everywhere
Having adventures beyond compare
We are the gummy bears!

Genius!

Jurassic 5, MC's, They've got the cure for my rap disease!

SHIT ON ME!

I am more excited than I have been in years as I am the proud owner of TWO TICKETS TO SEE J5 IN LONDON ON 1st OCTOBER!!!

I have seen most people on my hit list of artists I have to see before I die, one group have been elusive at avoiding being scrubbed off my list...UNTIL TODAY!!!

Doing some research into their new album, I noticed they were touring and had some UK dates. Brixton had sold out but a new gig at the Astoria was added so I snapped the puppies up quickly. Its a great day for me and mankind as a whole.

I literally haven't been this excited about a gig since I got tickets for Oasis at Knebworth during the summer of Indie back in the day!!!

HURRAH.

HUZZAH.

HURRAH.

I wouldn't be suprised if I wet my pants when I actually see them on stage.

What am I?

BORED

Another capitalist rant!

Oooooh it makes me blood boil!

On my morning rounds of the news websites I spotted a headline in the guardian that caught mine eye:

http://www.guardian.co.uk/executivepay/story/0,,1851785,00.html

Its quite shocking I think. Apparantly the bonuses paid to board room directors etc went to a total of £19bn this year, the same as the whole countries transport budget! Most of the bonuses paid to directors in London.

Wankers.

How can firms justify so many people working their hearts out on a shitty wage and getting little reward for it and at the same time pay huge inflated bonuses to the fat greedy fucks that sit at the top of the pile lording over us all?

The level of profits companies make is truly disturbing. The article says British banks made a combined profit of £33bn this year. 33 BILLION. Thats more money than I reckon anyone can imagine and is basically ripping the piss out of the consumer. We get charged £25 at least for going a tad over our overdrafts or because a payment bounces due to the fact we get paid a crap wage so those at the top can get a huge wage. They level these massive charges on us and then proudly post profits like that? They take 4 days to cash a cheque so they can sit on the interest a few days and in the mean time you and me sit with no money in our accounts waiting for it to clear so we can get at it!

lets lighten the mood with a cool off the cuff statistic! So lets assume that the average working day is 8 hours, 5 days a week, 52 weeks a year, thats 2080 working business hours in the year. That means they make a combined profit of £15,865,384 per working hour or £264,423 per minute. That makes me feel a bit sick.

Wankers.

I hate banks. I hate directors who get huge bonuses too. I am sure they deserve a decent salary but not at the rates they get, its just not required and I guarantee that people in the harsh service industries have just as much stress and do it for a billionth of the wage.

The article also confirms what I was saying yesterday at the British oil companies posting hige profits due to the 3 times increase in oil prices! How can they not be investigated for such blatant disregard for humanity and nature!

Its made me angry, probably for the whole day.

Why can't more ethical companies exist. Have you checked out the clothing label Howies? They are great as their attitude is perfect, just what a business should have. http://www.howies.co.uk

John FACT mkii

At last its been recognised that I am the funniest!

I knew it was only a matter of time before science realised my high level of humour and now here it is, proof if proof be need be, although proof didn't be need be as I already knew that proof be!

Check it:

http://news.bbc.co.uk/1/hi/health/4793463.stm

Is my anger a waste of energy?

I am confused.

There has been a lot of media attention over the rising electricity and gas prices over the past couple of years.

The price hikes have been blamed, by the providers, on increased energy costs - presumably due to diminishing supplies and the problems in the middle east.

SO, this is where my confusion comes in. How come all of them are boasting a rise in profits, some of which by nearly 50% and some of which their highest profits to date.

They say their great new profits are due to rising energy prices.

Can anyone else see a massive discrepancy there?

Prices are going up as it costs the providers more to supply. Their profits are going up because energy is costing us more. So they are increasing prices exponentially to make higher profits! Cunning, cheating bastards! Seems to me like they are using higher energy prices as an excuse and raising prices far beyond what they need to.

I hate capitalism (in the most part).

Lift some weight

I quite frequently see people getting a lift up one story.

Who are these people?

Getting a lift up one flight of stairs is so lazy! Unless they have a medical condition or disability, in which case its ok!

Otherwise they are just lazy and unfit and if they walked the one flight of stairs occasionally they wouldn't be such unfit fatso's!!!

Or am I just being harsh?

Its like cars, people who have a car and drive everywhere like the corner shop are sending themselves to an early grave!

Christ, I sound like an old man!

Bible Bosher

On my walk to work this morning I spotted a chap sitting on a pub bench outside a drinkery by the side of the road.

The pub was shut, he had no drink.

But he did have a small bible he was reading. I thought it a strange sight, I realised how infrequently you saw people with bibles in public.

Just down the road from the man boshing his bible is a British Heart Foundation book shop. There was a bag outside, that a donator had obviously left there that evening. The bag was damanged and its contents spilled and I noted a couple of other publications regarding religion and faith and things.

I guess the bosher had picked the bible up from the pile of disgarded books and nestled himself on the public house bible table to review his find.

I wonder if he was a religious or if as a result of the bible he will turn into a religious.

Interesting.

Or is it?

Sticker backs

You know tags?

Well what are those sticket tags that pop up everywhere?

Its like a tag, but drawn on a sticker and stuck to a lamp post or whatever.

Often they are drawn on royal mail special delivery stickers.

Usually they are rubbish and involve little or no skill by the "artist". Though I have seen some good ones.

Seems odd.

I don't get it.

Explain.

Stickers.

Bum Bags

We need to talk about carrier bags.

Today at lunch time, nothing funny or interesting happened. But I did find myself pondering the carrier.

I bought a printer from Jessops and rammed it into a carrier bag that probably wasn’t quite big enough. I then strolled back to the office with it and then it struck me, it struck me that most companies are in league with thieves.

You see, to the basic thinker, the carrier bag may be seen on two clear levels.
1) It’s a useful tool to carry a number of items that otherwise would be in your hands, cluttering them up and making it hard to do anything else with said hands.
2) Advertising. The logo of the shop is thrust onto its side and whilst we are conned with the bag being a service to help us carry, we are in fact brandishing the shop’s name and logo across town and beyond. If the shop is lucky, we will continue to use the bag for other things once we get home. Perhaps we might take our swimming stuff to the pool in it, or some items for a picnic. Either way, the advertising continues.

But, is there a more sinister plot in place conspiracy fans? I fear so.

Imagine, please, you are a no good thief. A scum bag. A scally. A bum (hence the name of this entry...get it?). A scouser (that ones a joke). You see a lad walking down the street with a slight grin and you note a large glistening Jessops carrier in their hand. Now, given the traditional reasons above you may think:

1) That person has been generously given a carrier to take their new items home to stop themselves having their hands cluttered should they need them for another use.
2) Hmmmm, Jessops hey, that’s interesting. I quite want a new camera, no I NEED a new camera. Jessops certainly sell them. Brilliant, SOLD, I am going to make my way there NOW and purchase a huge amount of equipment thus justifying the few pence them spend on producing the bags as they are getting hundreds in new business from it.

However, if I am to be believed, which I am, the person may think:
“They have bought lots of expensive camera equipment from Jessops, I am going to beat the living shitters out of them and make off with their equipment poste haste. I’ll lye low for an hour or two, then go to my local pub and sell it to pay for my crack. Or perhaps I will sell it on e-bay, for I stole a computer the other day from some idiot with a PC World bag!”

See my point, its blatantly advertising the fact you could be buying something expensive that should be stolen and seeing a bag has never prompted me to go to that shop. Unless it’s a bag from a record shop, in which case I think I would be tempted to buy a record.

So I say lets campaign for unmarked bags for safety sake. I reckon the only shops that should have branded bags are corner shops as it’s more than possible you would be wanting a drink or chocolate and see a branded corner shop bag and then know there is one near by to fulfil the sugar requirement. Of course, there is no guarantee you would go to the same corner shop as a different one may come into sight first, but that’s just the corner shop lottery.

Whilst I am on the subject, my favourite bags are take away ones that have generic messages like:

“Enjoy your yummy fish and chips”
And
“Hot Chinese Food”

Brilliant.

Bags.

I just hate the general public.

On days like today I wish everyone would fuck off and die.

Not literally everyone of course that would be rubbish, just those that think its fair to bother me!

I woke feeling a bit more refreshed this morning and then I got to work.

Now I am being bombarded by phone calls from thick shits who want me to tell them stuff but before I do they want to frustrate me by waffling on about things I do not care of.

On days like today I hate people. On days like today I realise how bad filling your body with chemicals at the weekend is and then expecting to be able to cope with it all the next week at work!

Still, its all in the name of entertainment and I only have 3 weeks left of work to get through.

I just had to get that off my chest! Idiots. Stop calling me.

After more coffee I will try and post a more cheerfull and interesting message!

On days like today, I wish I was a fat biffer. Then I could leave here with a pocket full of cash, go to the nearest shop, buy an embarasing erray of chocolate and sweet goodies plus a nice big bottle of pop, come back to my desk and stuff the unhealthy foodstuffs down my neck until I felt better and made all those around me sick with the sound of my fat mouth masticating all the e-numbers.

There, I feel much better now.

Thanks for listening ;)

All about the builders

There is a building site on my walk to work.

Its exciting to look at.

There are lots of builders.

I thought they were all called Owen as thats what was written on the back of their Hi-Vis vest (REMEMBER - NO HI VIS NO WORK, NO HAT NO WORK, NO BOOTS NO WORK).

Strange I thought, how come so many builders are called Owen.

Then I realised that Owen is the name of the contractor company and not the builders names at all.

I am sorry.

A lunch time sight of something funny...

Again at lunch when I was wandering the streets I noticed somethiong that caught mine eye and made me laugh.

It was a lad who had something through his ear. On closer inspection it was a Bic Biro! He had pushed it through his ear piercing. Not sure if thats a standard way to increase your ear hole, but I thought it was funny as:

1) Its a good place to store a pen
2) Its more unusual than the normal paper clips or safety pins
3) Its a biro...in his ear!

Who would have thought the humble biro would become a fashion accessory!

Well done that man.

Something else I don't like...

I don't hate that many things, but when I do hate something its with a gutsy passion and is usually something completely pointless! Something its just not worth hating as it gets you nowhere.

My latest hate is GHD.

They are a hair care company as far as I can make out. The pertain to have a gospel. The gospel of what...hair? Thats just stupid.

There are two things that irritate me the most though. Here they are as I can tell you are gagging to read a pointless rant about something you care not of! WELL YOU SHOULD CARE.

1) Their adverts. I monumentally and categorically despise their TV adverts. Well, I can only talk about the one I have seen. Its black and white, moody, its a couple in a posh flat. Harsh words are spoken, drinks are split. The man goes off looking smug with himself after the row, the woman discreetly packs her things and then leaves the flat and gets into a taxi. The bloke recluses and chases her. Its advertising Thermodynamics or something and I think is making a very lame and very weak link between a heated argument and heated hair utensils. Its terrible. Really really terrible. Its nauseatingly terrible. Adverts that sell something based on the weakest link ever always annoys me, but there is something of the incredible smugness about this advert that just makes me angry. I would like to inflict pain on GHFUCKINGD and thats that. Thanks

2) The name GHD. I perplexed it for a while trying to figure out what it stood for. They talk about a gospel, about hair, about nothing in particular. The never expand on GHD they just leave it as that. Is it the initials of a name? Is it a clever acronym for something? I pondered more and then it struck me:

G ood
H air
D ay

Is that what is stands for? I hope so, because if so that is so incredibly lame it actually makes the whole thing funny! Here they are trying to be a really posh swanky exclusive expensive desinger brand of hair product and their real name is good hair day. Personally, I have chosen to believe that when the company was first started they called it that and as the years passed they realised what a shite name it was and it got shortened to GHD. Now they just call themselves that and never mention the full name due to the embarrassment of it all. I suspect anyone saying the name in full is immediately punished with a 2 hour hair straightening session without ANY anti frizz serum. Hellish.

Don't buy GHD on account of these two points.

Stupid names for things

Recently, I have been struck by the stupidity of TWO names of things. They are both Telivisual related.

1) Pam Face. There is a programme about single mums on Channel 4 they have advertised and they are calling the series Pram Face. Thats stupid.

2) Snakes on a Plane. A new film with Samual L Jackson in it. It looks like they are trying to make a relatively serious action/thriller film set on a plane. There are snakes on the plane. Who thought of that name?

BEHOLD...THE PRODUCTION MEETING FOR THE FILM:

PRODUCER: "So, we have everything in place, a great plot - man on plane, man has enemy, enemy wants to get man, security is high on plane to protect man, enemy needs a cunning plan, enemy puts snakes on plane"

PRODUCTION ASSISTANT: "Thats a great plot"

PRODUCER: "I know. Sam L Jack has agreed to be the security man who can stop any plane disasters. Thats his job in the film, its realistic, these people really exist."

BEST BOY: "How do the snakes get on the plane?"

PRODUCTION ASSISTANT: "How they always do, they sliver"

BEST BOY: "So whats the problem? We have a plot, we have Samual L, we have long movers...there is nothing that can go wrong"

PRODUCER: "Well, we need a title. We haven't thought of a god damn title"

EVERYONE: "Oh"

EVERYONE: "Hmmmm"

(Silence fills the room as everyone thinks on...it appears a name is proving difficult)

BEST BOY: "I have an idea"

PRODUCER: "OK, Shoot"

BEST BOY: "Well, seeing as the film involves these snakes that get on a plane, I was thinking we could call it: Snakes on a Plane?"

PRODUCER: "Brilliant, that really is brilliant. Great, I am happy, everyone happy?"

EVERYONE: "Agreed"

PRODUCER: "You really are the BEST BOY"

EVERYONE: LAUGH

I imagine it was something like that.

Idiots.

Absolute idiots.

What you may be interested in is the realistic characters portrayed in that re-enactment. Best Boy was present, nobody knows what best boy does on a film and until now nobody knew why he was called best boy.

Blue Tuesday..

...except it isn't, blue.

Today my lunchtime was spent:

1) Doing a mystery shop at a bank branch. It took a few minutes and I earnt ten WHOLE pounds.
2) Going into a few charity shops on my way back to work, where I found and bought...


....AN ORIGINAL COPY OF BLUE MONDAY ON 12"!!! Hurrah. I like its floppy disk like packaging.

I like finding records I like in charity shops I like. I like saying I like.

Carrot Daniels

I am eating a carrot.

I eat a carrot most days as part of my lunch.

Today my carrot smells of Jack Daniels.

How strange is that? I did put it in a plastic bag with other snack related items for easy and hygenic transportation to work. it is possible that bag had a bottle of jack Daniels in it at some point, but unlikely.

Perhaps the carrot is alcholic?

I like it when things smell like other things.

I once had a stack of CD's (whats the collective noun for cd's) that smelt EXACTLY like celery. It was one of the greatest days of my life when I realised that.

I can smell better than my brother can, but he would disagree.

Do I work to blog? Or blog to work?

I am frustrated.

I come to work to:

1) Earn money
2) Do things like write blog entries, email people and write those letters I never get round to doing
3) work

In that order.

I am frustrated because recently I have had to do too much 3 and not enough 2. There is obviously some 1 going on too, but, most annoyingly I have had some days of 3 recently to attend various things, which meant on my return to 3 I had more 3 to do (is this making sense). So not only did I not get any 1 from not being at 3 but now I am back at 3 I have lots of 3 to do meaning I can't do 2!!!

And I still have my wedding related posts to do. Its a hard life working when you don't want to.

I want to be a loafer, like Larry in A Razor's Edge. Thats a good book.

Some interesting things I noticed today.

1) The hallway in the office I am in smells of Jelly. Why is that? Either someone has jelly flavoured perfume, or someone has consumed jelly on the premesis. Either way its weird.

2) I noticed a car earlier. Well, more of a truck. It was one of those 4 wheel drive, beastly looking things. It was the size of a cow. It was clearly more about show than being able to drive on hard terrain. It was called a Warrior. How stupid, cars are now warriors. I would class a warrior as someone like Captain Planet. It also had some lights along the size of it...snazzy. However, what caught my attention was on the tyres there was a picture of a scorpion. It was only small and very detailed, the designer clearly had talent. I thought it was a real scorpian until I realised that was stupid and then I worked out it was just printed on the tyre. That all happened in the space of 5 seconds or so. Therefore, I was monumentally stupid for 5 seconds today. Maybe more.

3) Sometimes people look really strange. You can see them every day for ages and on a particular day you look at them and they look completely different from how you remember. Sometimes freakish. It happened to me earlier, some chap I saw at work looked different, but yet nothing was different.

I haven't noticed anything else today.

John FACT mki

Hot apple based puddings are my favourate.

Apple crumble
Apple pie
Steamed Apple
Apple Studle
Baked Apple

YUMMY

I will also eat and enjoy cold hot apply based puddings. Last night I had cold apple strudle as it was a chore to re-heat it. It was still nice but not as nice as if it was hot.

I also like apple based cake, such as apple cake and apple turnover.

HOT APPLE BASED PUDDINGS...YUMMY... FACT!

All about moods...

I hate those days when you are in a mood.

A mood due to being tired or just because you wake up feeling annoyed on a particular day.

I am even in a mood about being in a mood.

The problem with moods is everything becomes too much to cope with, I get annoyed when people are in my way walking down the street or if I drop something, or try and open a door the wrong way, or can’t think of more things to add to a FUCKING LIST LIKE THIS ONE.

See, no capacity for annoyance and that annoys me!

I wish I had the strength of character to just let stuff pass me by without reacting or getting annoyed. The things are usually not that bigger deal in the grand scheme of things, compared to being maimed or cooked in a pot until you’re done for example.

But I haven’t and I react. It would be more honourable not to I guess, but then we are only human and humans are rubbish at dealing with modern life.

But is modern life rubbish?

No. It’s partially rubbish. Except for days like today, when everything is rubbish.

Right, I am off to sit in a corner in a sulky grump.

Brain drain pain as I wain, there is no gain.

Today I am frazzled.

My brain hurts and cognitive functions are at an all time low.

Need to recover from this slumber as its Pride weekend in Brighton and its the best party day all year.

Coffee isn't helping. I need water, but that means moving from my desk, which I am not prepared to do.

My desk appears as if a mirage of a comfortable bed. Its not a comfortable bed, its a hard desk.

Posting may be slow today, unless I muster the energy to report more on the wedding of the weekend past.

I used to have a friend who would sing Happy Happy Joy Joy or similar when people were in states of mind like I am now. I think it was a song from some stupid cartoon. He is no longer my friend.

Clense me LORD from the dirt of WORK

We have a shower in the office I am working in.

I ask you, who washes themselves at work? Does it make them feel that dirty they have to wash away the evils of work?

Its certainly used too, I have heard it in action. I think thats weird.

I would feel so odd being naked at work I can't begin to describe it! THAT would make me feel dirty, shower or not! It took me years to decide I was prepared to have a shit at work so I doubt I would ever feel confident enough to shower there too!

There are some things that should just be kept separate from work at all costs and being naked and/or soapy is certainly one of them in my book!

My style icon

This man is god in my eyes!





Most people seem to think I am joking, but I really am not. I think I love him. He has it going on. Check out his:

1) incredible beard
2) Cool sunglasses
3) Jazzy funk hat which neatly links his top and trousers together
3) Where's Wally style polo shirt
4) amazingly shiny and tight ice white slacks with below the knee rainbow band feature
5) pockets sticking out
6) casual flips to round it off

Plus of course that's stance - what a stance it is. Catalogue models can't get that sort of quality pose.

He was pointed out to me on a website called Hel Looks, check it HERE. Some genius goes round Helsinki photographing people wearing interesting outfits. Its a great site and a great idea. We have the lovely Hannah to thank for its discovery.

I want to meet him and shake his hand till it hurts. I thought that Noel Fielding was my style icon until I clapped my eyes on this likely lad. If only I had the guts and panache (is that a word?) to pull off such a look.

reminds me of that thing Brighton Source used to do, where they photographed people round town who dressed originally or well. I liked that feature, it was interesting.

Who is your style icon (besides me)?

HE IS A GENIUS.

Also reminds me of James, the infamous brighton charity shop god. He wears increadible outfits and can be seen touring the charity shops of brighton each day buying crazy clothes. he often wears bondage trousers and a sailor hat! I tried to find reference to him on the web, but alas I have had no luck. I will keep trying and keep you posted! or if I spot him, perhaps I will take a photo.

Who you get is who you are...

Its a new and exciting game.

Want to know who you COULD have been in a different life?

OOooooooohhhhh
AAaaaaaaahhhhh

Pump your name into google image search and the first result is officially who you are! Here is me:

I am a soldier who died in Iraq.

No laughing matter really, I was expecting to find a comedy picture.

Whats in a name though huh?

Well actually, some people believe a lot and that your name helps dictate who you are and what you are. They think its a big influence on how you turn out.

Apparantly John means God is Gracious. I certainly don't uphold that and I guess soldiers don't either - so we have that in common!



Give it a go, see who you turn out to be. On a more cheery note than the man above, here is who the next person in google called John House was:






HE IS A PRINCIPAL DON'T YOU KNOW!!!

Disproportionately pleased with oneself

Another exciting lunch time incident to report.

I had just been to my photo lab to drop off the wedding films (a post about doing wedding photography is on my list for later by the way). I was returning to work via the pavilion and got to a set of lights and pedestrian crossing.

As I approached the lights changed to red and I decided to wait for the green man as the green cross code informed me by way of cartoon hedgehogs being squished.

Also, I have been run over by crossing roads at daft times before, so overall, my desire to get back to work wasn’t worth risking death for, hence I waited. It’s good to wait.

A woman on a bicycle was clearly feeling fruity though and dashed across the road on her wheeled transport, despite the man not being green. She made it across the road with little time to spare and as she peddled off past me, I heard her say to herself:

“YES! Made it”

How funny is that, she was well pleased with herself that she broke all the rules of road crossing. It’s admirable what people can get their daily pleasures from. She clearly doesn't lead an exciting life.

Would have been a different story if she was hit! Then she would be saying:

“NO! The pain”
I will leave you to decide who made the right decision, but more importantly, shouldn’t she have dismounted before crossing?

Weathering a wedding come down

Give me a post clubbing come down any day!

I went to a wedding at the weekend and my word am I feeling it today, I feel like I went on a very hefty clubbing mission at the weekend...But I didn't!

Weddings are always quite fraught and tiring affairs as they are such long days and this one was no exception. It was all go from Friday when I drove to Gloucester to Monday when I drove back.

Today I returned to work and my head is clearly quite spaced out! I am forgetting the most basic of tasks like how to open doors. I knew things were not right this morning when I prepared 4 muffins for my breakfast rather than 2! I knew Hannah didn't want any so lord knows why, I think its because I forgot you cut a muffin in half and hence 2 muffins makes 4 bits of muffin. My lame brain, I think, thought 4 bits of muffin needs 4 muffins. Crazy, how could I make such a muffin man error.

I digress. Not sure what my point is really, just that I am tired and spaced out, as much so as if I had been clubbing. In fact, I think club come downs are easier as there are more obvious "wrongs" to blame the immense immeasurable pain on! The only benefit of a wedding come down is a much deeper sense of well being from being a part of a great celebration.

Anyway, this post is going to lead into a further 3 or so about the wedding in general and things related to it. Might take me a few days to get them all out though as writing is taking mucho concentrationo.